Go Big or Go Home

 

     There are days when I need to be reminded of who I really am, almost like a self pep talk into feeling a foundation under my feet and washing my spirit with that memorable hope that has been erased by the distractions of life. My job is very demanding, like anyone else I love it because they treat me well, but there are days when I put my head down and launch into a memorized cycle of no return. It is when my heart is stuck in a place of not finding it's happiness, while my head and body are out making money to please my boss. In this instance my heart is not my boss, instead it is a guy I will call Phil, my soul is a comma patient, and brain is on a mission for Fair Trade Propane.

   This is not a rant or rave against Fair Trade Propane or Phil, like I said I appreciate my job because they treat me so well and I show them my gratitude regularly. However, like any other hard working American who works at least ten hours or more a day every day, there is a tendency to forget that once upon a time you had goals and dreams that were not work related. You forget about wanting to have hobbies, you forget about being interested in other subjects that will let you learn about non-job related things, you forget about what you were and who you really are.

   After meeting my red head and starting to have something similar to a social life, her response to so many things was 'go big or go home'. At first it was funny, at the Chinese Buffet I was challenged to get that 5th plate of food, her response to this dilemma was 'go big or go home' so I got the extra plate. Then as we started to talk about business plans, the stock market, marketing strategies, and ideas that would take a lot of long term planning and extra hours at home that my job does not allow for; her response was 'go big or go home'. This was a challenge that I was really starting to take to heart. 

   What was something I felt big about and wasn't all talk and no action. My job would not always be this busy, I would be able to slow down in three more months if I was hopeful and patient. But what things was I willing to call my own again that I was willing to fight for and keep in my life? What things did I feel that I should go big with or leave at home for a future review. I know that I am your friendly neighborhood propane delivery man, but what else am I? I needed to know that my beer gut was not the only big thing in my life that would stick around for a while that was serious part of me, there had to be more to me than a smile and a beer gut. 

   Then the red head explained to me why she always used the slogan that she did, "Well a long time ago it made sense that 'going big' meant showing love to world in ways it did not understand. Or being the bigger person was not a size thing but a 'not make the world a worse place' thing. So when she used her usual expression, she simply meant that by 'going big' you improve the world and don't let hurt you or itself. What she meant by 'or go home', this is when you recharge your batteries to fight another day and the devil can't win. 

   "Those with the biggest hearts always go big because they don't limit their capacity to love....then you get a different version of the energizer bunny," then the red head told me that size of my heart was one of the reasons she knows that she can emotionally connect with me, I am a fixer-upper, but I am her fixer-upper and that we really need to go home because she can't eat any more at the Chinese Buffet. Her pants don't fit any more so it is time to leave. I quickly find myself again and ask for the check....since I know what dessert is.