Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder... And The Body Stay Clean

As I lingered in the patient room at CareNow in Fort Worth, I had to tell a nurse, whom I have met for the first time, about the act of indiscretion that landed me in her place of employment.  And I tell the story about how my ex, who shall be referred to as Becky, dropped a bombshell on me last week about how she had been tested positive for genital herpes and that I should be checked out, too.  As I am telling this to the nurse while trying to maintain a sense of humor about it all and not trying to call Becky a whore at the same time.

Did I mention I had a lingering sore throat, too? (Let's hope the two are not related. At least I don't have strep.)

My mind started to wander, as it always does in these situations, right into "where did I go wrong" or  "why is it I always have this kind of bad luck."  Can I not be with a woman and not have to deal with these types of issues?  I have had a couple of scares in the past but not with something penicillin won't cure.  

Honestly, this is where the rubber meets the road.  The first thing I had to admit, somewhat publicly I might add, is that I had sex, I had sex with a carrier of a virus that won't go away. I am imagining the Valtrex commercial and how people seem to be happy living with genital herpes except that won't be me.  No, I'm too busy beating myself up for not having the discipline to say no to someone who I had some very obvious questions about in the first place.  I knew the risk and took it anyway and it makes me no better than her in the end.

The second thing is possible treatment.  Again, I'm imagining the Valtrex commercial and how they say 70% of people with genital herpes get it from their partner when there were no obvious signs and symptoms.  However, there is Valtrex.  Now I am thinking and have to plan on more doctor visits and more in co-pays on my insurance. Fortunately I have an employer that can help me with this on a Cafeteria Plan and I won't have to pay taxes on that money.

The third thing was bringing this up to the redhead, who surprisingly took it well.  She acknowledges that it can be treated with medication and we will be able to deal with it but the guilt I have for exposing the love of my life to this is a little overwhelming.  The last thing I want to do is harm another human being through my actions and especially in this way.

So... there I am sitting in the patient room... What next?  It's the waiting for the test results in a few days.  

You know, kids, there is something to be said for abstinence.  It works 100% every time it's tried.

No Rest For The Self Inflicted

     It is commonly understood that if you are tired then you should sleep. Yet even from a young we constantly fight the urge to stop, lay down, rest, then fall into actual sleep. Mother's across America will tell you, "He/she didn't have their nap today and they woke up at 4 o'clock in the morning, they're just tired. That's why they look miserable and are crying on and off uncontrollably," as you look at the mother who wants to act the same way her child is from her own sleep loss.
     Then you have the hard working adult who 'just wants one more minute' they tell themselves, for those few extra miles, for that last finishing touch on a craft project, for that last part of a TV program, for whatever those last few moments are for to stop us from letting go and getting the much needed rest.
     Many truck drivers have been know to drive illegally for 20 hours straight, this means that they are willing to ignore the laws that protect their sleep and safety. The same can be said for crafters and mothers a like who are finishing Christmas pageant costumes, cupcakes for a class bake sale, and any general illness that claims to only last for '24 hours' per family member. These are some of the simple things that we do or can't avoid to post pone sleep for the self inflicted.
     We live in a culture that is so sleep deprived with Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, and Seven 11's that real rest is no longer valued. It's really hard to give a damn when you are too tired to smell the roses, and coffee really can burn out your taste buds so a steak will never taste the same again. What else are you willing to miss out on because so many pieces of yourself are too tired to enjoy them from your self inflicted lack of rest?
     We have become a culture of sleep apnea and obsession with instant gratification and ignoring our personal needs. Ever make a list of all the things you are too tired to do? This does not include joining a gym, going for daily walks, or eating healthier. This means doing things with other people, going places to be with other humans, and screwing your better half every night. They say that the evidence is in the details, and screwing is such an interesting detail to have in your life. Now get back on your treadmill, you need just one more minute on that computer, just one more minute with your hot glue gun, just one more minute......Zzzzzzzz

Go Big or Go Home

 

     There are days when I need to be reminded of who I really am, almost like a self pep talk into feeling a foundation under my feet and washing my spirit with that memorable hope that has been erased by the distractions of life. My job is very demanding, like anyone else I love it because they treat me well, but there are days when I put my head down and launch into a memorized cycle of no return. It is when my heart is stuck in a place of not finding it's happiness, while my head and body are out making money to please my boss. In this instance my heart is not my boss, instead it is a guy I will call Phil, my soul is a comma patient, and brain is on a mission for Fair Trade Propane.

   This is not a rant or rave against Fair Trade Propane or Phil, like I said I appreciate my job because they treat me so well and I show them my gratitude regularly. However, like any other hard working American who works at least ten hours or more a day every day, there is a tendency to forget that once upon a time you had goals and dreams that were not work related. You forget about wanting to have hobbies, you forget about being interested in other subjects that will let you learn about non-job related things, you forget about what you were and who you really are.

   After meeting my red head and starting to have something similar to a social life, her response to so many things was 'go big or go home'. At first it was funny, at the Chinese Buffet I was challenged to get that 5th plate of food, her response to this dilemma was 'go big or go home' so I got the extra plate. Then as we started to talk about business plans, the stock market, marketing strategies, and ideas that would take a lot of long term planning and extra hours at home that my job does not allow for; her response was 'go big or go home'. This was a challenge that I was really starting to take to heart. 

   What was something I felt big about and wasn't all talk and no action. My job would not always be this busy, I would be able to slow down in three more months if I was hopeful and patient. But what things was I willing to call my own again that I was willing to fight for and keep in my life? What things did I feel that I should go big with or leave at home for a future review. I know that I am your friendly neighborhood propane delivery man, but what else am I? I needed to know that my beer gut was not the only big thing in my life that would stick around for a while that was serious part of me, there had to be more to me than a smile and a beer gut. 

   Then the red head explained to me why she always used the slogan that she did, "Well a long time ago it made sense that 'going big' meant showing love to world in ways it did not understand. Or being the bigger person was not a size thing but a 'not make the world a worse place' thing. So when she used her usual expression, she simply meant that by 'going big' you improve the world and don't let hurt you or itself. What she meant by 'or go home', this is when you recharge your batteries to fight another day and the devil can't win. 

   "Those with the biggest hearts always go big because they don't limit their capacity to love....then you get a different version of the energizer bunny," then the red head told me that size of my heart was one of the reasons she knows that she can emotionally connect with me, I am a fixer-upper, but I am her fixer-upper and that we really need to go home because she can't eat any more at the Chinese Buffet. Her pants don't fit any more so it is time to leave. I quickly find myself again and ask for the check....since I know what dessert is.

Working Christmas Eve

   Nobody knows love like eating ham and eggs on your way to work on Christmas Eve. So how do I mean this you ask, well the ham was a gift from my job at Northwest Propane and the eggs were cooked by my fiance so that I could have a quick meal in the morning when she wasn't there so I would not go hungry every morning while running out the door. It was part of her fight to keep me away from the golden tombstones, a.k.a. McDonald's drive-thru.
   I can't say that I could taste the care or love in the food while eating it at Southlake traffic lights, but I could feel the fore thought and consideration that people had for me in making sure I had been taken care of. This is during the time of year that depression, suicide, and an introverted sense of hopelessness takes control of many people who become the polar opposite of the Christmas spirit. This is when all feelings of loss, abandonment, joylessness, and a bottomless hunger that can never be satisfied takes over those who don't want to be saved or have given up the fight to be happy, or are just worn out from trying which they call pretending. They have shut their eyes to the little gifts in life that make daily life worth living everyday of the year, not just around the holidays. They can't see the bowls of eggs and ham for breakfast because their pain has closed their eyes and their hearts.
   This all also goes back to the time when I was in the hospital and I could feel God telling me to be more grateful for what I had which helped to make everyday is an adventure in my world. After this revelation of sorts, I really could appreciate the small things in life and see the blessings others give without anticipating repayment. I truly am grateful for the honey glazed hams from my work (which my fiance will make more food with than I can eat when she comes over), and all the little ways that my red head makes a big impact in my life. I will not reveal any sappy details about her, but I am always telling her that I love her more than she knows....but then she might, her cooking has made me lose weight since it is all real food....the stock market price just dropped for McDonald's.